Addicted
by nightwatchman2009
Summary: After S6:Ep13, After telling Tara about Spike, Buffy hears a song on the radio that describes it all too perfectly. Oneshot. Song-fic. R&R.


**Addicted**

**By: **nightwatchman2009

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy or any of Kelly Clarkson's songs…

**A/N: **I watched a youtube video of Buffy and Spike to this song and I just thought how amazingly perfect it went with season 6 from Buffy's perspective. So I decided I'd make a song fic of it. So this is set right after Season 6 Episode 13: Dead Things…so after she tells Tara about Spike.

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Buffy lay down on her bed after Tara left with the utmost reluctance. She was all cried out now. It felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders, she could breathe a little easier again. But at the same time she still felt so dirty, so guilty, she felt like a horrible person no matter what Tara said. How could she have been so weak? How did she let it happen so many times? It needed to end, she had to end it. Tara agreed and supported her, she too knew Buffy needed to cut that thread between her and Spike.

She wanted to just stop thinking about it. Every time she did she felt nauseated. She was so disgusted with herself. She leaned over and reached for her digital clock that rested on her nightstand. She turned on its radio hoping that with the music playing she could just relax for a bit and forget.

But then the words came:

_It's like you're a drug. It's like you're a demon I can't face down. It's like I'm stuck. It's like I'm running from you all the time._

Buffy thought of all the times she told him it was nothing…that there was no hidden feelings behind it. All the times she tried to push him away. The times where she told herself she didn't need him but came to him anyways.

_And I know I let you have all the power. It's like the only company I seek is misery all around. It's like you're a leech, sucking the life out of me. It's like I can't breathe, without you inside of me. And I know I let you have all the power, and I realize I' m never gonna quit you over time._

Buffy would submit herself to him and he readily took advantage of it. He knew she was vulnerable. He knew she lied when she said she wouldn't come again. He knew she'd come back ready to give herself to him all over again. He knew she couldn't stop herself. She knew it too…she just kept coming.

_It's like I can't breathe. It's like I can't see anything, nothing but you. I'm addicted to you. It's like I can't think, without you interrupting me; in my thoughts, in my dreams, you've taken over me. It's like I'm not me…it's like I'm not me._

Tears welled in her eyes again, though she couldn't fathom how she could possibly have anymore left to shed. It _was_ an addiction. And when she was with him it felt like her body was not her own. Her mind screamed 'No!' but her body said 'Yes'. Her body needed his. And after it happened…after each time it happened, it was all she could think about. The all-consuming guilt. The self-loathing. The perverse pleasure of it all.

_It's like I'm lost. It's like I'm giving up slowly. It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, leave me alone. And I know these voices in my head are mine alone. And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you up now._

After the first time she slept with him, she fought against it. Vowing it would end. But it happened again…and again…and she stopped fighting so hard. She let it happen. And he loved it…he loved each and every moment. He taunted her about it. Like when he came up behind her at the Bronze, saying she knew she liked it, that she belonged in the dark with him. And she foolishly let herself believe that that was her fate. But now…she knew she needed to end it before it got to the point where she couldn't stop.

Buffy wept openly again. Sobs racked her body but not loud enough to drown out the song:

_I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it. Just one more hit, I promise I can deal with it. I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time then that's it, just a little bit more to get me through this._

Just once more. This was the last time. Never again. She would always tell herself such things, yet she always needed more. She needed him to help her through the pain, the numbness. She just needed to feel something…anything.

As the chorus repeated, Buffy stood, unable to take anymore of it. She ripped the cord from the wall socket, tears pouring down her face. She then chucked the entire clock at the wall, causing it to smash against the opposite wall on impact. She collapsed on the bed again and sobbed.

She just needed it to stop. She needed to quit.

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**So this was my first song-fic…hoped you liked it!**


End file.
